Stupid things happen in "threes".....

Or in my case stupid things happen daily. When I lived in Florida my "bestest buddy" Elise and I were like Laverne and Shirley. In fact we even adopted their theme song for our own. You know the one that starts with "Shameel, Shamazal, Hossenfeffer incorporated" (hey I just sang it, I never had to spell it!) Anyway, we got into crazy situations like Laverne and Shirley did all the time. We will NOT go into that, but suffice it to say, it was an adventure. Now I'm here in Wisconsin and Elise is not here so I have to be an idiot all on my own, unless I happen to be around some poor unsuspecting soul while my idiot factor is going off. I thought that I would share some of the "stupid" that just happens to me.....

Monday last week..
I am in a hurry to get out the door to work. For some reason on the mornings that Will is home, I have a hard time getting out the door. Somehow we always manage to get into this deep discussion and I lose all track of time. Next year it will probably be even worse because both kids will be riding the same bus and be gone from here by 6:30 am. That leaves me lots of time for catching up to myself (yeah right). Anyway I run out the door and realize that I have grabbed the wrong coat. It is my Cranfest coat and I don't wear it to work because the ink makes a mess of anything you wear. I usually wear Will's old company coat from his work. They are the same color, but Will's coat is from 1993, so I don't feel bad about ink stains. No time to change, so I keep going.
I get to work finally after stopping at the local Wa*m*rt to get donuts (I do this for the folks at work every morning). Things at work are crazy, the truck was late, the machines were broke etc. Typical Monday morning at any job. Then they tell me that I have to drive the "filler in " jeep. My "jeepy" is going into the shop and I have to drive the jeep from the bottom of the barrel. Oh great. Running late, lots of mail and now "the junker". You can pretty much bet that I will have to put gas in it too. Everyone seems to leave it to the next guy.
I head out the door and everything is going kind of sort of smoothly. Except for the fact that it is in the 30's and there are 50 mph wind gusts with snow pellets hurtling through the air causing "white outs". If you don't count that, it's going good.
The thing about my job is that you never know where the hardest work will be. Where will the packages all go, or the signature mail etc. There are days that you stop at every house on a street for something and don't stop the whole rest of the route. This was one of those days. Sometimes I think it would just be quicker to park the jeep and walk than it it is park it, stop get out, get in, drive 10 feet, park it, get out, get in, drive 10 feet (you get the picture).
I get out at this house and go to the door to have something signed for. Out comes the border collie dog. The lady says "Oh don't worry about her, she'd never bite". What does the dog do?
Bites me! Twice! In fact she is actually chewing on my arm while the woman is saying that. I have no idea why this dumb dog is biting me. Maybe she does not like my red coat. I'm kind of in shock at this point because I give all the dogs on my route cookies. They all love me! They wait for me to get there and now I have one eating my arm. The woman realizes what is going on, grabs the dog and throws the dog behind her legs and sits on her. The only problem is that they were on the steps, so now the dog is laying length wise on the hedge with the gal sitting on her. I have no idea how they got out of that one because I left them there in the hedge and drove away. All the while thinking to myself, great this means a trip to the ER. When we get bitten by anything at my job, you go to the ER, BUT ONLY IF IT BREAKS THE SKIN. My arm hurt like a son of a gun, so I knew I was in for it. Got down the road and looked at the arm. No broken skin. Just bruises. It seems that since my Cranfest coat was so thick, the skin did not break. I still have bruises, but no job paperwork and no ER. Just a sore arm. So, thank you God for sending me to work with the wrong coat.

I should have known that this was just a warning of things to come.....After all I've been me long enough to know that this junk happens in threes or more. There is always another stupid situation lurking around the corner...

Tuesday. I take a shower. This is not anything new. I take showers all the time. Many times, more than one a day (I hate hot weather on the route). Anyway, after my showers I always get dressed. It's just something I do. Somehow I don't think that the world would appreciate my failure to follow protocol on this one. Anyway, I go to put my "undies on" and get my little "pinkie toe" stuck in the waist band of the dumb things. Most normal people would just let go and stand up right? Well, this is me and somehow I've forgotten that you can let go. I end up doing this dance around our bathroom with my foot stuck in the waist band. After my "graceful Swan Lake" imitation I end up crashing into the wall with my shoulder, hit my head on the towel rack and land on my butt on the dog who is my constant shadow. BUT I STILL HAVE A HOLD OF THE DRAWERS!!!!! I clutch them to me and actually think to myself "wow, that could have been bad". See!!!! I'm telling you stupid things happen to me! Who else do you know that would do this? For cryin' out loud, all I had to do was stand up. The thought never even occurred to me. **Another note on this is that now the waistband is so stretched out they will never fit again. GOOD SAVE DEANNA!

So lets take a tally on this. So far I have a bruised left arm, bruised right shoulder and a knot on my head. It's only Tuesday morning for Pete's sake.

Thursday morning. Leave for work on time because my hubby is not home. No distractions. Get ready to go out on the route in the piece of junk jeep again because my jeep's parts had come in and were getting replaced. Things are going good. Humming right along. Lots of packages, but still all in all looking like a pretty good day. Get to my first "hardship" and get out. Hardships are people that get their mail right at their house because it is really not possible for them to walk all the way out to the street to get it from a mail box. I do not mind hardships. I would much rather I walk those extra steps for them, than to have them fall on slick driveways and break something. On this one, I take the mail in and leave it in her porch. She's a great lady and she is there standing in the porch with another lady talking. The other lady then follows me out the door and gets in her car which is parked in the driveway between my jeep and the house. I get in my jeep after telling them both to have a good day. I go to leave but cannot pull out into the street yet because there are 4 vehicles coming (one of the them a dump truck). I stay where I'm at waiting. The lady in the driveway with me starts backing up. She knows I'm here so I'm wondering what she's doing. I try hitting the horn and nothings happening. No noise! She finally stops so I think that she's seen me and is waiting. Fat chance. She keeps coming. BANG! Right into my front bumper. I still have been laying on the horn that will not work all this time. I turn off the jeep, pull the emergency brake, get out of the jeep to go and check on her and see what the damage is. I'm standing outside the jeep talking to the woman and the horn starts going off. Talk about a delayed reaction. She looks at me and then looks at the jeep and asks "why is it honking at us?". I just shake my head. My answer could have been "because it's me", but I didn't even go there.
There was no damage to the jeep or the car, so we both went on our way. One more stupid thing to happen to me during my lifetime. Let's face it, I don't know many people who have their own jeep honk at them while they are not in it.

As I said... stupid things happen to me. My long suffering husband laughs at me quite often. I really do think that God put me on this earth for "comic relief" and I am quite comfortable in this role. I know my limitations. I know that my life is an demonstration of Murphy's law. I know that there is a limit to how much decorum I can manage to have before the inevitable takes over. I like my life. I don't mind the stupid, although sometimes it's pretty embarrassing. I take heart knowing that it makes me understand people a little bit better because no matter what's happened to a person, I can usually relate on some level because stupid stuff happens to me. Besides with all this happening to me it usually makes the people around me look really, really good. Just ask my hubby!
Have a great day!
dea